Hurting Ourselves

Dear Mentor,

     Why do we love hurting ourselves when we love still we know we will be hurt?

    

Cry Out Loud

Dear Mentor,

     I wanted to cry out loud with what I see but I have no voice to say what I feel, no courage, and no right to say it.

 

Laugh

Dear Mentor,

     Why do I laugh with the smiles around when behind the happy facade is a bleeding heart?

Happiness

Dear Mentor,

     It is just like picking the broken pieces together.  At a time, my hands are pricked and the wounds bled, then the memory came back.  Why do we have to bleed just to be happy?

Invincible

 Dear Mentor,

    My unconquerable spirit has no match with your unconquerable smile.  I am invincible, yet conquered!

Song to the Cursed Knight

 Dear Mentor,    

 

      On what right does she claim

your heart, your soul, your body

     I know, I do not own you either

but does she?

 

     I have no title to show

but I have your promises

     kept in the deepest of me

Don’t you see, I beg you to behold thee.

 

     I invite your attention

Just a stare would do,

    see the whole of me, and

Remember me, remember.

 

     Whatever spell has been casted

I shall break it …

     Just to let you see

Here I am, I am here.

 

    O, be not blind.

her curse shall move you away

     But I shall be close to you,

My memories shall surround you.

 

    Soon I shall close my eyes too

and the light shall be dim

     Yet your face shall conquer

The darkness shall come to light.

 

     I lay my sword now,

I shall fight no more

    Strength of my oponent has conquered me

But love has kept me alive.

 

    Till the last breath, I shall

Remain in your love, but for now

     Go!  I shall watch you go.

But surrender the batle, I shall not.

 

     Every beat of this bleeding heart

shall give hope to me

     Soon enough strength will

lift my unconquered soul.

 

     For now I shall sing

Even if you are far away

  And hope that every cadence

shall match your heart’s beat.

 

     And soon, when the curse is over

The day will be new, our lives will be

     We will meet again

in the rendezvous of light.

 

    I savor the pain

of this sweet defeat as I

    shall savor the love

of your sweet return.

 

    Time, O, time grant

that in this lifetime it shall come

    That he will be free again

The curse undone, his love returned.

 

    I shall shed no tear

For I know, time will be true

     It’s promise kept,

My prayer granted.

 

Lady Etheria

 

 

Read Me

Dear Mentor,    

     He knew what I meant, but pretends he does not know it.  What I do not understand is, why is it that some people exhibit rejections in a manner that we do not expect?  Like when you expect him to tell you right in front of your face but then he turns to things to avoid it, and when you expect it to be as subtle, then he becomes harsh.

     I cannot understand how he cannot read the lines…how he cannot read me…or he knew but does not want to even dip a finger into the issue.  Does he want to maintain the silence?  Or there is no feeling at all?  The silence is defeaning.

 Lost Soul Rianna

9.13.07

 

Smile

Dear Mentor,

     I felt betrayed when I finally knew the truth.  He did not say anything about it.  Time, they say heals wounds, but time betrayed me.  Why would it bring me such instance when I am about to unconceal the truth that the truth came out, not from my lips but from his – not the truth that I wanted, that i yearn for, not that I long for, but that would hurt me, kill me.  Caught off-guard, smile disguised what i felt – and thank you for the smiles…thanks for the truth.

Dame Arianna

09.12.07

The Trip

Dear Mentor,

    I have hoped that the trip would be longer, but it was not.  Time flew fast…too fast that the presence was ephemeral as the wind.  I have hated him in the past, I admit, but why do I find myself in the arms of thy enemy?  Or was he?  Or has the hate gone or such feeling subsided to pave the way for a new one – love perhaps, or perhaps more than that?…

Enchantress

09.11.07

In Silence

Dear Mentor,

     I had one of the happiest moments in my life happening when I am mature enough to appreciate it.  Or, was I?  You know pretty well that I have loved many before, yet such love was never reciprocated.  For the first time in my existence, my feelings were shared by no less than the one I truly and deeply love despite and inspite of our petty quarrels in the past.  Truly, love comes like a thief in the night, unexpected, unanticipated, and surprising.

     You know how important this time is in my life – take note for the record;  this is my very first time to be in a serious relationship, a historic turn in my life.  I was so nervous, I must admit.  Of course, I do not know yet the things of the trade, they say, but as we went on, I felt I was in good hands and everything fell in its proper place.

     I now understand, Mentor, why so many people who fall in love often neglect their very own existence.  Loving is giving so much of oneself without expecting something in return.  I did encounter such feeling.  But, I did receive something in return – the other person giving him so much of himself, as well.

     Yes, this is a grand day, Mentor.  I wanted so much to shout it in a cathartic manner in a world that judges people by what is seen, yet it is a part of our restriction.  We can only love each other in silence, just the two of us knowing about it.  I feel proud of the moment, proud of him, proud of the time we spend together, proud of the messages we convey each other, our exchange of sweet thoughts.  But, everything must just bebetween us.  I have fears it would not work for so long, but only time can tell.  Anyway, when it will end so soon, we have temporariness of things to blame.  At least, I will never blame myself or him for it’s early termination.  And, at the very least, I had my very first time to be loved by someone I love.

     This moment lends substance to what I have learned from and quoted by my friends long before I finished college: “To love in silence, for in silence there is no rejection, and in loneliness, nobody owns him but me.”  At least, I was not rejected, and when we were together it is me, I know, who owns him, and that he owns me.  On this premise, I think, I should find contentment.

     In telling so, I am not trying to convince myself or anyone that I am alright with the set up.  It is only that in silence is called for under the circumstances, that I understand our very reasons for the silence.  At least so far, as between the two of us, I am certain by what he is showing me, by his assurance that I have nothing to worry, nothing to fear in our relationship.

     I have high hopes that silence will bring us somewhere farther than we expected, and with high hopes goes my prayer that sometime in the future, we could come out in the open where we can tell others freely what we truly feel for each other, that the world would not be unfair in judging us, and that in the end, acceptance of our relationship will come like a thief in the night, unexpected, unanticipated, and surprising.  By that time, mentor, silence would be as lous as it can get.  That would be the day!

 I remain,

Enamored Angel Mielle